The Suffering Shouters!

“Please don’t shout!” she said while pointing her finger at him…

…and immediately I realized why he shouts so often.

……….

Over the years, I have come across a lot of people who have been branded as ‘aggressive’. Blamed for sudden bursts of shouting and impulsive episodes of losing their cool, they are also known for blowing something out of proportions and then getting into a short ‘hysteria’ of uncontrolled barrage of words, while bringing other out-of-context points and old buried complaints out of nowhere.

However, what I have realized is that while some of these people have serious aggression issues, most of them have a different reason behind this syndrome. And it is that incidentally they have ‘got partnered’ or ‘are surrounded by’ persons who are at the other end of the spectrum.

In the name of being ‘calm and composed’, these other-end persons are actually plain cold; with their so-called normalness actually bordering on indifference. They are often unresponsive and tend to be inappropriately less-sensitive. In fact, their objectivity comes from unwillingness to take accountability or hardly any desire to look beyond themselves.

Well! Ironically, in our society, cynical indifference is more acceptable than involved anger. That’s why, when these ‘two types’ somehow land up together in a relationship or association, the second-type person mostly sets the definition of ‘normal’ behavior by his or her criteria. And from then onward, the first-type person has to live up to this lopsided definition.

And in this ‘pursuit’, which obviously and unfairly favors the second-type, the first-type keeps falling short.

……….

Yes! What second-types don’t realize is that the first-types don’t shout to cause pain… they actually shout because of it.

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The Saint and the Sinner!

In my line of work, sometimes, if after discussing with me, someone’s ‘lowered eyes’ can ‘close’ for a while and then ‘look straight back at mine, then I know my job is done.

……….

She is well settled; with a loving partner and a complete family. They are pious and devoted, and have been followers of this saintly religious-figure. One day, he was discussing the concept of ‘sins’ and included illegitimate intimacy as one of them.

And she told me that since that day, she has been filled with this strong recurring guilt…”

She said…“I recalled my past, and that has been corroding me from inside”.

I could see the anguish painted all over her face…

I said “I don’t endorse what you did. But only you were there. And thus only you know whether it was a sin. Only you can tell if it was merely physical…if it can be expressed in a word which has four letters or just three”.

I continued…“Don’t get me wrong. But there was no saint there…, just the two sinners! So give me their point of view…”

She paused and said “Honestly, that so-called illegitimate moment was far more pure and emotional. I had felt far more valued.

I smiled, got up, and while leaving said “Then go back lady…continue to listen to those sermons. But all the while just remember one thing…

……….

…‘conscience can’t be outsourced”.

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Lucky ‘You’!

“Comparison is the coincidental curse of civilization”.

……….

There are days when as you walk down the street, everyone you come across looks more happy, fit, smart or successful than you.

It is because you pretty well know your mask…and also what it is masking. Deep down inside, you are aware of all your fallings and failings. Your vulnerabilities and shortcomings are disclosed to you in their entirety. You know what weighs on your mind, what bothers you in your heart, and what makes you wake up in the middle of the night and then doesn’t let you sleep for the rest of it.

In short, you know what you don’t have, what you have, and what you show that you have but don’t have.

That’s why, in every sense of the currency, everybody on the street looks far better off than you…

……….

…And you know what! Interestingly…most of the people you have crossed have also been thinking the same. :-)   

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The relationship over-take

All relationships are ‘two-way’ streets.

……….

It is convenient to be in a relationship as long as you are getting something in it – attention… time… love… care. But then comes a phase when the other person is not in a position to ‘give’, and in turn requires all of that.

And that’s the ‘litmus test’ for a relationship – “Will now the getter be able to turn into a giver”?

Well! The most difficult thing in life is to bear the shift of spotlight elsewhere. Yes! ‘Importance’ has a weird way to make a person ‘hungry for more’. However, in lasting relationships, partners have to be ready to alternately hold the torch and let the other person receive the ‘shine’.

And that’s where most relationships fail – because usually, one of the two is too addicted of ‘shining’.

……….

All healthy relationships are about ‘give and take’. The only thing is to realize…‘when to do what’.

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The Love-Chase…

“What is happening in our relationships is often a projection of what is going on inside us

……….

I have known her for long. She is smart…independent…ambitious, and…with relationship status that consistently reads…‘it’s complicated’.

She doesn’t realize but her problem is that ‘she is forever attracted to someone who is hard to get’.

So this is how it goes: She finds that ‘someone’, obsesses, pursues, and makes a chase out of it. And finally, she wins. Congrats!!! She has achieved, conquered, clinched! But…‘now what’? Well! Now something goes missing. After all, when you start from the ‘peak’, the road ahead only goes downhill. Now, with ‘dopamine rush’ gone, things get messed up…it’s all lukewarm…and doesn’t quite feel the way it is supposed to.

And sadly, she doesn’t know that the problem is much bigger than she thinks. The problem is inside her.

The ‘achievement drive’ inside her is finding the wrong outlets. And the realm of relationships isn’t the apt one for a ‘100 meter’ race put on an infinite loop. It is supposed to be a golf game played for leisure, with many small goals, achieved one after another, on changing courses, with casual banters, unplanned laughs, pats on the back, high fives, occasional teasing and ‘never mind, there is always next time’ pronounced with a familiar accent.

Alas! I wish I could tell her…“Dear, you are all the time playing the wrong game on a right turf.

……….

And you know what? There is another thing I feel like whispering to her. And that is: “My girl…let me also tell you a secret…‘No man is actually even half as good as he seems while you are chasing him’”. :-)

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The (Tor)mentor!

I strongly believe that…“Idealism is the first step to hypocrisy”!

……….

A lot of people loved my last post. However, some, in spite of loving it, found it slightly less morally-correct. And one of them asked me to write something on my basic approach towards my work – which in his words is… ‘mentoring people’. So here is a piece on it…

I find most people living on ‘overdose of sentiments’. In turn, I like to call myself an existentialist. I believe in seeing things the way they are and not the way I wish them to be. And it is even more important to do so if you want to help someone change things for better; because ‘acceptance is the first step to change’.

So I don’t see people as ‘good or bad’ but as ‘good and bad’. And as far as their questions are concerned, I believe that a mentor’s job is not to answer all the questions, but to take the person to a level of understanding where some questions simply dissolve.

Well! A mentor takes your questions away, and leaves in you a ‘quest – for permanent solutions. Yes! I don’t believe in giving temporary solutions to permanent problems but to give permanent solutions to temporary problems, because when you find a temporary solution then more often than not you end up making the problem permanent.

In other words…“I don’t try to solve the problems; I try to sort the person

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…And I do it not for some lofty aim to serve humanity, but to sort my own self bit by bit – possibly the most ambitious job a man can undertake. :-)

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I love you two…

“Can a person be in love with two persons without being disloyal”?

……….

Before I answer it, let me rewind the conversation…

She said… “One of the most unsettling things in life is when…“you love someone…don’t get him…and then go on to live life with someone who loves you equally”.

I said… “I understand. Because then you are left with all the reasons to miss the first one, while the new one gives you no reasons to hate him. And there you are… stuck between your past and present… alternately living in ‘today’ and phasing out in the ‘yesterday’”.

I looked at her, and she nodded, with the relief of being understood.

She said “You know what? I feel like a cheat. Like an impostor”. “It is wrong…unethical…isn’t it?”

I said “Well! You can’t bind emotions with ethics. They have a world of their own, untouched by the notions of ‘right or wrong’. And you can’t just walk out of a relationship and walk into a new one effortlessly. Heart keeps the score”.

I could see a hint of calmness returning to her face.

Then she said “Then what’s the solution?

I said “There is no solution. Because there is no problem. It is all natural. It is all organic”. “Just stay there and allow heart to deal with ‘the change and the consequent confusion’”. “And trust it. It eventually does get into the right place”.

She said “But why can’t heart listen to the mind?”

I said “Because, to change, heart doesn’t require reasons. It requires…time

……….

Coming back to our question… “Can one feel love for two persons equally”?

Well! Don’t mind, but it is mind’s question. And heart doesn’t deal in Q&A. If it feels something, it feels it. And it can’t stop feeling it just because you think it shouldn’t feel that way. So, let mind and heart settle this one between themselves…

And you just stand there, without taking sides. 

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Secret behind ‘Confidence’!

I have always believed that “Confidence is nothing but ‘respect earned in one’s own eyes by fulfilling promises made to oneself’

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Over the years, I have seen best of the people literally wasting themselves because they were not loyal to the choices they made. And it is equally true for studies, work or relationships. Yes! It is important to ‘stay the course’ even with reluctance or disinterest.

Well! As humans, we may have ‘infinite potential’ but the problem is that we have ‘finite time’. And that makes the strongest case for ‘discipline’. And it is natural to get distracted or disillusioned, so even if you are finding it hard to ‘stay the course’, try to ‘stay around it’ or bring it to a ‘logical end’. Don’t just jump off the ship.

As I put it “Sprint… run… walk…or crawl, make sure that direction remains the same”.

……….

Such subtle ‘messages to oneself’ create ‘personality’ inside ‘person’ …one brick at a time.

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The Pain ‘ting’!

As we sat in silence, she murmured “Why, at times, life gives so much pain…?

……….

I have always believed that the basic purpose of pain is to ‘bring one’s attention towards what needs to be changed. Yes! It is not a punishment …it is a signal. It arises to help us find what is amiss or missing, and not to make us suffer by getting lost in it.

So the greatest disservice to it is to treat it symptomatically, without delving into it. As it is not for nothing that sometimes it is intense…sometimes persisting…sometimes recurring. It has types; and each type has its own texture that has to be understood in finer details.

From these details emerges the pain’s purpose.

……….

Pain speaks. Listen to what it is saying and then…do something about it.

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Why people are not there when you need them the most?

She asked “Why so happens that people are not there when I need them the most?” I said…“Because that is how it is meant to be”.

……….

While going through a difficult phase or after it, the worst thing you can do is to become cynical… to blame people for not being there… or to ‘not forgive’ them for turning their backs on you. Because by doing so, you…‘miss the whole point’.

See it this way. A phase can qualify as a ‘difficult phase’ only when you have to face it head-on, alone, and right there ‘in your face’; with no one guarding you. After all, if there would be people protecting you then how would ‘you’ feel the heat?

Alas! Most people don’t understand this. That’s why they go through such phases and yet do not derive the value which is there for the taking. And the reason is that they direct their attention more to ‘when who behaved how’ rather than on ‘why what happened’.

What a waste!

……….

The fact is that “your destiny delivers its most important messages in your loneliness”.

Don’t shoot the messengers. Focus on the message.

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