Pre-Script: The subject matter of this long-post is strictly for mature readers, as it can very easily be misunderstood! So, please read it only if you think you can understand a concept beyond the issue…and when you have enough time to soak yourself into it 🙂
A few years back I was training executives and managers of a company for a couple of hours every day, for one whole month. It, along with discussions on soft-skills and management concepts, also involved a lot of one-to-one conversations with them. One day, a manager walked in…
………………………
He looked nervous, and after gauging my readiness to listen, he confided in me that…
…he has a relationship outside marriage!
He expected some sort of a reaction but I simply continued to listen…
Then he eventually said “I know how wrong a guy I must be appearing to you right now!”
I said “Well! Allow me to disagree. Honestly speaking, many people fantasize or contemplate such a scenario but do not attempt it due to guilt attached to it, social fear, cost of consequences or lack of options; which if at all it is bad, then is as bad as your act. After all! What’s the difference? Just that of ‘virtual’ and ‘real’! They play it safe…but ‘play’ they do! And in fact, most of the people who would condemn you might actually be jealous of you!! And intrigued as well…on how you are managing ‘two’ when most of us can’t manage even one!!”
He looked surprised…but couldn’t resist a smile.
He said “But people would think that I am doing it for fun!”
I said “Rubbish! I don’t think someone who is having fun looks this sad, or would come to talk about it to a person who is relatively a stranger! There must be a reason deeper than that, because I don’t believe that you would put everything at stake – your family, career, reputation and future – just for some cheap thrill. And it must be a nightmare to live with it, get drawn to it, hide it, accept it and reject it – all at the same time, every moment! I mean you wouldn’t do it only for fun, and that too when each one of us is equipped with the option of satiating our sensual desires pretty much on our own – the revelation of our early teen-years! Isn’t it?”!
He was taken aback by my bold ‘last line’, but smiled when I winked along with it.
He said “Yes! But no one would understand the reason! …Actually…”
I said “…No! No! Please don’t get into all that. I am also not interested in knowing the reason, because first of all you are smart enough to edit it or present it in the way most suited to your intended impression or outcome; and more importantly, no one else can understand your reasons as well as you do. And believe me! There are no reasons which are completely justified or unjustified from all angles. So, one’s judgment of them would gravitate only towards the side one identifies with or the backdrop one is from!”
He just nodded…looking hunched!
He said “But honestly! I never wanted to hurt anyone, yet I think I am doing injustice to both of them.”
I said “Agreed! But you should also include yourself in that ‘them’! I mean it is surely unethical and nothing to be proud of, yet you didn’t exploit someone or outraged someone’s modesty, but look at yourself…you are suffering, if not more, then as much as each one of them! Well! I don’t know about ‘them’ but having observed you for last three weeks, I can surely say that you are doing injustice to yourself.
He looked…‘feeling understood’.
He said “But then what do you say…and how should I solve this problem?”
I said “Look! Don’t misunderstand me! I don’t approve or endorse your choice…but I also don’t want you to fight yourself to prove everyone else right…for someone else’s sake! I just want you to stay clear of all the inner mess born out of your own attempt to regret, justify, undo or redo the past! Just look…there is no one around – no deity…no society…and in fact it seems that even neither of those two persons is aware of this turmoil inside you! It’s ‘you’, who is in a mess…‘you’, who is suffering the most!
He listened without blinking.
I said “And it isn’t a problem you are solving; it is a situation to be responded to – a situation born out of the choices you made! So, before we find an apt response…don’t make it a problem! ” To say the least…“You can’t expect a ‘changed future’ on a ‘damned past’…with a self-injuring protagonist”!
I can’t forget the changed look in his eyes…
He said “Thanks! You are a very good person…”
I said…Well! Just the way I don’t categorize people as good or bad, ‘I’ also prefer not to be. And Hey!! It is easy for me to be ‘good’…I charge a fee for it!”
And both of us laughed together…
………………………
Well! Jokes apart…I am not a psychiatrist or a psychologist, I am someone who simply tries to see people more humanly than some superficial moralist; with the awareness that…being human is also to err, contradict and complicate. And that, beneath these traits…basically, most of us are not as bad as we look…
…or are made to believe!
PS: You would be surprised to know that the person referred-to in this post has been a reader of my blog and a few days back he got in touch with me, wanting me to share the experience as a post (maintaining anonymity, as I always do); and even helped me recall the nuances of our conversation for it. “Thanks Sir! I guess I might have changed a few words but retained the spirit of the conversation…and I hope did justice with your faith.”
