The role play!

Posted on 5 July, 2014 by Sandeep Atre

Isn’t it strange that the people who give us happiness and people who give us pain are usually…the same ones.

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Recently someone asked me why all starts well in a relationship but then sometime later, things tend to unravel? My answer was “People never fail as persons…they only fail in the roles they play”…

Yes! When two persons start a relationship, they start as lover and beloved. All is well, because that’s the only role one expects the other one to play. However, as they formalize their bonding into an arrangement, many other roles get added to the expectation-list.

And that’s when…things start changing.

So, then you have a case where someone succeeds as a beloved, fails as a life-partner, excels as a provider but just about gets by as a family-builder. Yes! The same person, doing differently in different roles expected of him or her. And now, that person looks good or a let-down to you depending on the role which is at the top of your expectation-list at a certain point of time.

Alas! People start out as persons and…end up being role-players.

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In life, playing multiple roles progressively is the key to relationship-success 

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When it is far from over…

Posted on 30 June, 2014 by Sandeep Atre

“When it is far from over, then trust it is worth it”!  

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He was one of my teenage role-models. Not particularly because of the destinations he had reached but for the journeys he had taken to them. I remember seeing him go through almost a decade of a fluctuating life. It was as if he was riding a sine wave. Every time I would foresee some stability, the tide would turn.

Honestly, he was no Buddha. So, he would also occasionally feel low, lose it or get messed up. But he would invariably get up, dust himself off and move on. I saw him stuck, but never for long.

And then came a patch when things were looking up for him and that too for long enough for me to infer a change in his life’s graph. During that phase, I remember asking him “Any regrets?” and he had answered “No! Life was teaching me patience”.

As if someone up there didn’t like the answer, just a few days from that conversation came another fall in his life…And I remember sitting across him, feeling a lot of angst!

I exasperatedly said “I thought the course was over. What is it teaching now?”

And he looked at me and said…“More patience”.

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Well! Students don’t decide contents of the course! It is Master’s prerogative.

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The chain ‘reaction’!

Posted on 28 June, 2014 by Sandeep Atre

I was upset…because she was upset.

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…but seeing me upset, she got more upset! …which made me upset even more.

And now it was a ‘self-sustaining chain’.

So I paused. Breathed deeply.

…and then I smiled, to which she didn’t. I still smiled, this time she attempted a fake one.

…which made me laugh, to which she smiled!

And it was again a ‘self-sustaining chain’.

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In relationships, it’s not about ‘who was wrong’! It is about ‘what’s the right thing to do’, now!

 

PS: If at all, I can be this wise, always! 🙂

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Mr./Ms. Right!

Posted on 16 June, 2014 by Sandeep Atre

“Relationships have a more far-reaching impact than mere ‘emotional transactions’!”  

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Someone asked me the other day, “How can I know whether someone I am in a relationship with is right for me or not?” And my reply was “Just ask yourself if he or she helps you become a better person”!

Yes! In any relationship, it is important to help the other person become a better person – a person with more restraint, greater resolve and faster resurgence. That’s what separates relationships from mere affection or attachment!

You may ask “What if I am stuck in a relationship with a person who doesn’t make me a better person?!

Hmm! It’s a toughie! All I can say is what I usually tell people… “When everyone else fails you, it’s time to test your own relationship with yourself”!

Yes! Then keep helping yourself become a better person!

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If you can’t do it yourself…you can’t do it to others!

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Love’s litmus-test!

Posted on 10 June, 2014 by Sandeep Atre

Falling in love is a beautiful feeling…  

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When you fall in love, making promises becomes easier! The words like ‘always’, ‘forever’, ‘everything’ are used in almost every other sentence. You give each other special names and devise your own unique ways to wish goodnights. You write long mails making commitments for eternity and press F5 every time you check your inbox…

…You discover that the phone is meant to be always kept nearby and is supposed to be locked by a password that now at least one person also knows. You talk in low husky voices at the most peak times and text ‘miss you’ so often that the phone mistakes it for your by-default template.

And then, one day…a turning tide takes away all this with it.

Well! The real love is ‘quietly standing by someone’s side’…fulfilling all the promises you never made!

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Being in love is a beautiful reality.

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Received but unacknowledged!

Posted on 4 June, 2014 by Sandeep Atre

“Life is what keeps passing by while we are planning how to live it”…!  

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It was for a tad too many days in a row that I was doing a lot of things together. All of them were important but I was really missing that sense of ‘directional connectivity’ I like to keep in what I do every day!  And worse, the other day, I ended up with something that required documents, photocopies, waiting and then driving through the messy traffic to fetch more documents and their photocopies (not to forget…all of them attested).

While I was waiting…frustrated, irritable and thinking how much I wanted to ‘get a life’; suddenly, it dawned upon me that the life is happening here and now.

True! Most of our life actually takes place between two such ‘desired moments’…overlooked by us, because we are too busy looking forward to the next such moment.

Well! Honestly speaking, even with my newly found wisdom, I still didn’t enjoy what I went through that moment onward. But yes! I surely came back less tired…

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“If I can’t get my money back…then let me take out the best from the ride”.

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It’s okay dad!

Posted on 27 May, 2014 by Sandeep Atre

He held his kid in his arms for the first time…and…lost all his rights!

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Since then, everyone has ignored that…

…he also gets bogged down by the weight of life…gets troubled by the residues of all negative he has to counter in everyday struggles…and gets tired convincing his heart to keep sacrificing what it wants, so that the greater-good prevails. Now! He doesn’t live because he is busy controlling, balancing, providing and protecting…

…all…for…that kid who looks up to him!

And that kid seems to have forgotten forever that he is also a man! That… how much he would sometime want to bang his fist on the table, shriek his heart out or hurl abuses in thin air. But here he is… caged in the notion of being perfect, forced to pose as a role-model; clenching his fists tight, biting his lips hard.

…all…for…that kid who is watching!

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How much he wishes that kid could someday tell him… “It’s okay dad. You can let loose… I understand”!

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The formula of happiness!

Posted on 17 May, 2014 by Sandeep Atre

Mind likes to chase a promised happiness at the cost of the available one!

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If you taste a good dish then relish it…don’t wait for a loved one to make it for you! If you find four happy faces around you then enjoy their company as if they are your family…don’t wait to get back home to be happy. If you can rent a ride in your dream car then do so…don’t give yourself a deadline to own it.

Happiness is a fleeting game of hormones, so it is idiotic to search for a perpetual one! Don’t try to cook it through a recipe, have a heart like a monk’s bowl and let destiny choose a time, a place and a person to bestow you with it.

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And when the bowl gets something, dance like a Sufi…don’t evaluate like an accountant! 🙂

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Updating the relationship status!

Posted on 12 May, 2014 by Sandeep Atre

“You would find cricketers rating their 80s on a difficult pitch far better innings than double centuries on easier ones!”  

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It was an interesting session that I took a few days ago at a conference! The theme was extremely intellectual, the audience was pretty uninformed and well…the speaker before me had already taken way longer than expected (and accepted).

So, when my turn came then I could see that it wasn’t a pretty sight for a lot of them in the hall. And there I was, walking on a tight rope of making it interesting yet relevant. Well! It isn’t new to me. I have done this for years and have developed decent grip on my craft. But to make matters worse, I was a bit unwell, tired and a bit weighed-down emotionally.

Whoa! I can’t tell you how much I respect such days…because they give me an opportunity to test the status of my relationship with my work.

Well! In any relationship, on your toughest days, it is only a deeply-held ‘love’ that sees you through. So, while for anyone who must have heard me elsewhere, it wasn’t even close to my best, but for me, walking that tight rope in that blowing wind was extremely special.

As I got down from the stage and sat there in the front row of the auditorium, I was smiling – a smile that you give to your beloved after a tense day…because there is nothing much to say after all the harsh things you have said to each other. There is just one simple truth to feel…that…we are still together!

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Well! Real love is boringly sticky…too outdated to be updated!

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Heart doesn’t get bruises to show!

Posted on 30 April, 2014 by Sandeep Atre

“See people how they are…not how you wish they were!”…I said at a b-school.

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The most common way we suffer in life is by getting traumatized emotionally. And the worst part is that it is not even considered a crime! The poor heart just sinks…doesn’t get bruises to show!

Well! If you are sensitive then it is a gem that God has gifted you with! Now, you have to cherish it, safeguard it and not let it become your concern. This is only possible when you don’t fool yourself into looking at people the way you want them to be, but see them the way they are.

Observe people carefully! And when you discover something about them that you don’t like then don’t feel irritated, disappointed or panicky! When they hurt you then see them objectively, as they reveal their hidden agendas, ulterior motives and…their true selves!

When you do so, you would see the games people play – culprits posing as victims, connivance in the veil of helplessness, the contempt in the niceness, the deal beneath the help, in short…minds behind the faces! Don’t be a skeptic but nor miss the subtle cues.

Well! Most importantly, see them, not to be cynical or to lose faith in goodness; but to be able to select the worthy those who really deserve the gold of your heart.

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If you’re sensitive, don’t regret or change..just be more observant & slightly selective.

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