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Sometimes, the ‘stand you take’ helps you become who you are.                 

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Years back, a conversation had taken place between me and one of my older relatives. She was referring to what one of my other relatives was saying about me to others. Though even today, I am far from being totally sorted; still when I look back, I think that it was one of the defining moments in my approach towards life. It went roughly like this (of course the original one was in Hindi)…

She: “Do you know he is saying bad things about you?”

I: “He must be. That’s why you are mentioning it”.

She: “But don’t you feel a need to defend yourself?”

I: “No”

She: “Why? Then how would we come to know your side of the story?”

I: “I know my side of the story, that’s enough. Why should everyone know it? And unless what he is saying has grave implications, I don’t find a reason to defend or clarify. After all, I can’t address everything said about me. He has all the right to tell his side of the story, and I respect his right”.  

She: “Then whom should we believe?”

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“That’s your right to decide, and I will respect it as well”… I said.

In life, ‘how you feel’ depends on ‘what you focus on’!                 

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In your world, there will always be people who won’t like you much. They will make you feel small. They will not acknowledge or respond. They will ignore or neglect. They will criticize and even vilify. They will give wry smiles or no smiles at all. They will compare you and even demean. They will undermine your potential and exaggerate your flaws. They will play games. They will target you and will not miss any chance to single you out.

And then there will always be people who will like you. They will make you feel good about yourself. They will expect good from you and will wish good for you. They will forget your failures and forgive your mistakes. They will smile at you and will talk nice about you behind your back. They will refer opportunities to you and will spread the good word. They will remind you of your glory and will encourage you for excellence.

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The best way to get fulfillment, happiness and success in life is to stay cordial towards first type of people and focus on second type of people. 🙂

They rightly say… “First you make choices, and then choices make you”!              

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Moreover, sometimes you can’t see the chain of consequences a choice has. For instance, you don’t realize but one of the most important choices you will ever make is when you will say…“I do”. Yes! The day you choose your life-partner, in a way, you also choose…

…your future family-structure…your future career-pattern…the sort of (and size of) friend circle you will have…the kind of (and number of) kids you will have…the kind of schedule you will follow…the kind of neighborhood you will live in…the kind of places you will visit…the kind of things you will spend your money on…the kind of health-issues you will face…and even the life-span you will have, and the amount of ‘life’ you will have in it.

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So, before you say ‘I do’, do remember that you are making not just a choice for your life, but also the choice of your life. 🙂

It is not the lack of ‘talent or technique’ that blocks growth, it is the lack of…‘temperament’.             

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Every domain has a peculiar set of qualities required to sustain excellence in it. However, there is an important part of that repertoire which people tend to ignore – the temperament. I have always believed that this one thing is what makes all the difference, but sadly I see people not seeing it.

I have met researchers who are not curious…teachers who are not learners…managers who are not empathetic…doctors who are not listeners…and writers who are not readers. And when they ask me why they are not growing any more, then I get amazed on how they cannot see the obvious reason.

Yes! People rise due to talent and excel due to technique, but they progress due to their temperament.

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When you work on it, it works for you! 🙂

You have to work on a relationship to… make it work.           

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Ideally, only two equally committed people can make a relationship work. However, in reality, at any given point of time, the commitment levels of two persons in a relationship can never be equal. It is because while they share a part of their lives with each other, there are other parts of their respective lives that they have to deal-with on their own.

Those parts cannot be shared. At best, one can talk about them or take temporary help, but at the end of the day, one has to face it alone. Now, what it means for a relationship is that one of the two will always have something else on his or her mind – some insecurities, worries, priorities, deadlines or concerns.

That’s when the other one has to play his or her part. He or she has to wait without cribbing, support without advising, care without clinging, forgive without mentioning, bear without sentimentalizing, or ‘discuss disagreements’ without ‘playing a victim’. Yes! More often than not, one of the two will find himself or herself doing this…

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…and as long as both can take turns to play this role well, the relationship works! 🙂

There are some fights that you win by… not fighting them.     

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When you are tired or are in a bad mood then you are far more vulnerable to road-rage – to pick a fight over a rash overtake or a mean glance.

It was one such day, and finally a man crossing the road heedlessly got to me with a popular Hindi expletive. I felt a sudden surge of anger and wanted to retaliate with equally hurting words (like any normal boy growing up in India, I am perfectly equipped with the vocabulary). I also wanted to shout and approach ‘head on’ to teach a lesson to the guy, no matter what the consequences were.

I slowed down the car and my torso was already half out of the window, with my eyes at him. But then…I turned my back… and drove on.

It was as if, in a flash, I could recall years of hard-work, patience, maturity and sacrifice that have gone into whatever little I have built and earned. And though I know that one day I will lose all this, I surely don’t want to put it at stake in a fit of anger on a tobacco-chewing man who is drunk on cheap liquor and is too eager to pick a fight (with due respect to his reasons to do so).

I mean…it’s just not…proportionate.

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Well! Don’t pick fights when you have nothing to gain or… much more to lose.